Questions Of Self Discovery
I’ve had many chances to introspect in the recent past. I took them all by the throat but I didn’t make much out of it. I’ve seen fleeting glimpses of my childhood in my dreams. Almost as if the universe is calling out to me, telling me something. It’s difficult to listen to the Universe when the volume of other things in life is turned up so high.
Everything has fogged up once again. I’ve been trying to find my strengths for the longest time, yet something or the other just slips by. I have no clue where I am and even more confused about where I am headed. Is life this difficult for everybody? I have seen people with predefined careers, heck even a predetermined life. I have seen people jot down their life in a graphic timeline on paper. I was just left in awe. If someone were to ask me to do that. I’ll merely doodle a lot of question marks on that sheet of paper. People always keep saying Life is like a game of Chess. Damn. Suddenly I remember all those chess matches I lost. I was never any good at it. The future just keeps eluding me.
Your future keeps clawing at your head and feet. Asking you to take the prescribed path. Prescribed not by you but by others who have seen life and don’t want you to make the same mistakes they did. But what is life if not a scrapbook of mistakes, regrets and lessons learnt? I bet the misdoings and grievances tally higher than the happy occasions in anybody’s life. Do you, Can you always be guided by your conscience or rather the moral voice in your head? Which, I daresay is nothing but a collection of the years of unnecessary advice that is shoved down our throats.
Since I’m almost incapable of summing up what I’m good at, I’ll merely take a dig at seeing what all I am absolutely horrible at. I do not mean talents, hobbies or even sports. But feelings, emotions and decisions. I am going to discuss the things that I think may be wrong with me.
I am known to make the stupidest of decisions. Countless people give me oodles of advice regarding Dil, Dosti, etc. I ask for even more. But at last, in the fag end I do what instinct tells me to. I don’t care if it’s right, wrong or even morally sound. I believe in listening to my heart. I feel that it’s better to cope up with a mistake than regret not having listened to your heart. As far as I think, Regret is the worst thing to have in your life.
I’m overtly emotional about the smallest of things. The minutest of things leave a deep impact on my mind. I simply don’t have the heart to see sorrow around me. It pains me to see others cry. I try to help others with everything that I possibly can. But mostly people take it in the wrong way. Some think that I’m being over clingy while others just ask me to shove off. And this has happened so many times that I’m now afraid of actually caring about someone. Even if I feel bad about someone and even though my heart tells me to go talk to them, help them, I try to keep my distance. I try to keep my bubble from being burst by others.
I’ve always been the first one to gel with new faces around but I’m never able to change that into sound friendship. Somehow in all these years I’ve made many wonderful acquaintances but rarely have I made very good friends. I know I’m bad at keeping in touch, I know I get diverted to other things very easily. But why must it be always my duty to work things out. I’ve tried and failed, once and again, rather too many times. I’m just too afraid to try again and lose all hope that these people who I call(ed) friends never bothered much about me.
I’m known to be majorly confused about what I want to do in life. When I was small I wanted to be a fighter pilot, I grew up slight and wanted to be a research scholar, I again grew up, now wanting to be a pianist. The list kept growing and growing. I tried new things, I liked them, I found out that I’m good at them and I kept doing them. People say that I’m too confused. Dad says that too many abilities spoil a man. Proverbs say that one can only be a ‘Jack of all trades but master of none’. But why? Why can’t someone desire to excel in more than one field? Is it others feel threatened? Or is it really that important to stick to the status quo? I shall never know.
Photography was finally able to define my moment of existence, my need to hold on to the past, my chance to revel in the beauties of nature, my desire to be cherished. The nostalgia, the science it all fascinated me and for a change something was able to take ME by the throat. I’ve decided to take the toughest decision in my life. I’ve decided not to let my life direct my photography but rather I’ll let photography direct my life.
I have the most wonderful people by my side right now. People who understand me. People who see through my charades of happiness and tell me on my face that I’m wrong. The fake care and belonging is gone. I have finally found friends who appreciate me, believe in me and I’m sure they will stand by me too.
Ishan, those battles of wits, those unnaturally humorous comments. They make life so much better.
Arpit, the more confused you get, the more I get a chance of actually pointing out what’s wrong and actually being able to care and help someone after a long time.
Abhinav, those Milds and Golds are bad but they open up my mind, 2c and 3 would be boring without you.
Vanya, my soul sister, our wavelengths match at every point, the love for nature, the inability to tolerate fake people, the guts to carry on. And so much more. Heck, our dads even had the talk. Thanks sis for unknotting my mind. I don’t think anybody else could have.
Jeeshan, for being the first person in Amity who I could talk to, for the Cool Blues and the car rides. For finally mustering up the courage to let me drive your car.
Devesh, for being a privy to our talks, for constant entertainment, its fun to take your case. 😀
Sargam, for clearing some long withstanding doubts in my head, for doing the stuff I can only dream of, for blazing a new path and showing me that is possible, for sharing the inner turmoil of the mind. The talks, the frequent conversations, the infrequent exchange of ideas, the exchange of dreams and the love of photography.
Lilypad, for changing me for the better, for making me able to see myself in a better light, for having faith in me when I had none, for supporting my craziness, for putting up with my whimsies and mad desires. I know it’s too soon to say but yes, you are like a pivot in my life. I can hold onto you and let go of everything else, I can be free. You almost taught me to be free; you are more than a friend, more than a lover and so much more than an angel in my life. You make me want to be better than myself; you make me want to improve. You bring out the best in me.
But still many questions remain. Questions that have come to stay for longer than what I’ll be comfortable with. I have everything a person could dream of yet questions are all that my life has come to be composed of.
What do I want?
What should I do?
Where do I go?
Is this wrong?
Is that right?
Is Insanity a trait of normal human existence? Or is it just my bane?